chair

I'm sitting on my favorite armchair tonight, a beautiful velvety soft, moss green vintage chair i found in our local pre-loved store & i adore it. I love the way it feels on my back, soft & strong at the same time. I still cannot believe that i bought it for $20, so, so cheap. anyway-
Sitting here alone now...everyone is asleep, the house has settled with a hushed calm, finally. Here i am, left with a head full of thoughts and questions, meaningful & meaningless ponderings, words, feelings... all jumbled up like a dream. Sigh. It is overwhelming to be human, do you find that sometimes? i can re-phrase that too and say it can be overwhelming to be an adult. I wish there are days when i am just a child...not that my life is terrible, i am in fact happy and grateful for what i have and what i am and where i am now, i know it is all in His plan but the daily battle also wears me down.
Sometimes i wish the Lord comes to take us, i mean not death but the rapture...but that is avoiding the battle altogether...wishful thinking.
There are still so many things i wanna do. Yep even at 38- i want to improve my photography & buy new lenses, i want to spend more time with my family, i want to spend a lot of time with the Lord, alone with Him, in prayer & worship. Lately, i feel that all i do is work...but one cannot stop working either, ho-hum.
 I want to be more like Jesus, but i get dips every now and again and i am trying to 'control' my highs as well...arrogance and self-righteousness are my pet peeves & that is the least i want to become (goosebumps). I know some people think they are not afraid of anything, i think i must have said that too- but i realized that it would be hypocritical of me to say that i don't fear anything, even as a christian- more so now that i am a christian, i do have a fear. My fear is to break His heart, to live a life without Christ. I cannot bear the thought of that and when times come that i fail Him, that seizes my heart. I love the Lord because He loved me first so very much. He has shown me what true love is. And this, this understanding of Him & His love is why i am trying my best to share it to the world, regardless of anyone's opinion. He is the important one, Christ is the message to this world. And the joy, the genuine rest to the soul & the satisfaction of getting to know the answer to all our questions is incomparable to anything that is of the world. For He is not of the world.
If the people only knew that now, today- there is a fount of life in our midst, free to all. That the transformational power of Jesus is real & evident in believer's lives, that it isn't a myth, that the scripture is a living, breathing text. It does, it burdens my heart that i know of this person, i know of this Jesus- the resurrected Christ. I know Him but not everyone does and I know that not everyone would waive their rights & give Jesus their heart.  Even at the cost of their souls.