Our lives lit up even more when he joined our family :)
chair
I'm sitting on my favorite armchair tonight, a beautiful velvety soft, moss green vintage chair i found in our local pre-loved store & i adore it. I love the way it feels on my back, soft & strong at the same time. I still cannot believe that i bought it for $20, so, so cheap. anyway-
Sitting here alone now...everyone is asleep, the house has settled with a hushed calm, finally. Here i am, left with a head full of thoughts and questions, meaningful & meaningless ponderings, words, feelings... all jumbled up like a dream. Sigh. It is overwhelming to be human, do you find that sometimes? i can re-phrase that too and say it can be overwhelming to be an adult. I wish there are days when i am just a child...not that my life is terrible, i am in fact happy and grateful for what i have and what i am and where i am now, i know it is all in His plan but the daily battle also wears me down.
Sometimes i wish the Lord comes to take us, i mean not death but the rapture...but that is avoiding the battle altogether...wishful thinking.
There are still so many things i wanna do. Yep even at 38- i want to improve my photography & buy new lenses, i want to spend more time with my family, i want to spend a lot of time with the Lord, alone with Him, in prayer & worship. Lately, i feel that all i do is work...but one cannot stop working either, ho-hum.
I want to be more like Jesus, but i get dips every now and again and i am trying to 'control' my highs as well...arrogance and self-righteousness are my pet peeves & that is the least i want to become (goosebumps). I know some people think they are not afraid of anything, i think i must have said that too- but i realized that it would be hypocritical of me to say that i don't fear anything, even as a christian- more so now that i am a christian, i do have a fear. My fear is to break His heart, to live a life without Christ. I cannot bear the thought of that and when times come that i fail Him, that seizes my heart. I love the Lord because He loved me first so very much. He has shown me what true love is. And this, this understanding of Him & His love is why i am trying my best to share it to the world, regardless of anyone's opinion. He is the important one, Christ is the message to this world. And the joy, the genuine rest to the soul & the satisfaction of getting to know the answer to all our questions is incomparable to anything that is of the world. For He is not of the world.
If the people only knew that now, today- there is a fount of life in our midst, free to all. That the transformational power of Jesus is real & evident in believer's lives, that it isn't a myth, that the scripture is a living, breathing text. It does, it burdens my heart that i know of this person, i know of this Jesus- the resurrected Christ. I know Him but not everyone does and I know that not everyone would waive their rights & give Jesus their heart. Even at the cost of their souls.
Twenty Thirteen!
Happy 2013 everyone! yep, this picture of me & my puppy Lulu is a bit on-your-face hehe, reminding you that i'm online again but occassionaly for now- not that people read this blog anyway Lol...just been sucked back into real life bigtime with work and other things so online journalling has taken a sabbatical. My only online activity that thrives is FB and e-mail other than those- Oh, pinterest and when i'm browsing for good recipes also but i have halted...dunno' why, i think after blogging for seven years i think i'm (gulp) almost over it. I will keep everything online though, esp. my poetry & photography stuff...
So, the past year has been a bittersweet mix, as always- of good and bad- mostly good though. Peter went to Oz to work and that has been difficult, he's back now which is great...uhm, my eldest went to live and work overseas too...i am enjoying my work as a nurse despite the politics & lack of sleep, i have lost motivation in marketing my treats at the Little Big Market because of too many cupcake stalls have mushroomed in the market and my sked at work which always conflicts as well as i find it too much work to prepare for, sigh...I loved being part of it though. Oh-oh i have also finished my PG cert. in Health Science which is awesome, esp for my CV, haha. I enjoy study but again i am taking a break before i go further to diploma.
Joshua has grown so much :) my baby boy...I planned a surprise birthday dinner for my hubby which was good and threw a party for my youngest girl who has turned 18....Other than that i've been working shift work from January to December of 2012 except for a month of holiday. Fun moments. I'm sure 2013 would be even more awesome.
i can do all things through Christ
I cannot sleep. I think i drank too many coffees today...anyway, well yeah haven't blogged for ages it seems to me, not that anyone is really reading this on a regular basis- like following a sad sitcom on telly, Lol. Well, i was just going through some thoughts in my head, such as reminiscing about the past (drama! hehehe) and when i look at where i am now- i really, really, really am grateful to the Lord for what He has done for me and is continuing to do in my life. Yep, despite my crazy mistakes and struggles.
It might sound strange to some of you for attributing my achievements to the Lord, but God really made my dreams come true, He answered all of my prayers. People compliment me for a lot of things and i say this without arrogance and i DO appreciate the lovely words (which make my heart flutter...) but all credit in fact goes to Him who made all these things possible. And that is just because He is a good God, not because i did anything special. Who i am is because of Him. The Lord Jesus trained me well :) He allowed me to experience the highs and lows of life, a lot of lows i would say, but it is all for my good because it shaped my character. And He molded me and tried me by fire in such a way that i have the ability to be reflective of my life and the impact of our lives on people, this helps me help others who go through the same thing. It's amazing. It really is esp. now that i can look back and see where i've come from to the 'now' the present, it was a long way indeed. And the great thing is He held my hand all the way.
I am not perfect, far from it, even though i can feel that people look up to me (again this is mentioned without arrogance) but i make plenty of mistakes, i battle everyday with my weaknesses and there are good days and bad days too. But i leave it to the Lord- to just smooth out any stubborn, sticky nature in me because i cannot do it. He alone can. I want to always be grounded in Him, rooted and grounded like a strong tree. That is my desire... to be closer to Him, to be like Him as much as it is possible to be like Him.
This reminds me of a quote from William Branham when he talked about a lady giving her testimony, she said- I am not who I ought to be but I am far from what I used to be :) That says it all doesn't it? amen.
'for all things work for good to them that love God...'
romans 8:28
Simplify
I'm sick again, glum. Bronchitis...but prayer and antibiotic's are on-board so i feel i'm slowly getting better. Slowly. Ugh, i've been so sickly this year i cannot believe it, i need a holiday- that's what i need and it's coming up soon so i am pretty excited...Oz here i come!
I just thought i need to sort my life out, at least my PG paper's nearly finished with one last assessment to do. Also, here's me crossing my fingers that my sis-in-law's immigration papers get approved so i have somebody here with Peter away. It's taking a toll on me & Ash. I need to simplify my life.
...although having said that i need to get more creative again, i need to invest time in things that will make me happy, things that nourish the inner me. I have stopped crafting and baking for awhile and i have forgotten the joys of cooking...you know taking time to cook with music cranked up in the background? yeah, that kind of cooking :( Miss it.
I need to go back to my old routine...i juggle too many balls, but i would admit- it's the study, it's too much pressure, esp. so i am a perfectionist and cannot part with an essay if it's not up to my standard and- that can be stressful. No more after this PG Cert. sigh!
Inspiration
“believe that this way of living, this focus on
the present, the daily, the tangible,
this intense concentration not on the news headlines
but on the flowers growing in your own garden,
the children growing in your own home,
this way of living has the
potential to open up the heavens,
to yield a glittering handful of diamonds
where a second ago there was coal.
This way of living and noticing and building
and crafting can crack through the movie sets
and soundtracks that keep us waiting
for our own life stories to begin, and
set us free to observe the lives we have been creating
all along without ever realizing it.
I don’t want to wait anymore. I choose to believe
that there is nothing more sacred or profound than this day.
I choose to believe that there may be a
thousand big moments embedded in this day,
waiting to be discovered like tiny shards of gold.
The big moments are the daily,
tiny moments of courage and forgiveness and
hope that we grab on to and extend to one another.
That’s the drama of life, swirling all around us,
and generally I don’t even see it, because I’m too busy waiting
to become whatever it is I think I am about to become.
The big moments are in every hour,
every conversation, every meal, every meeting.
The Heisman Trophy winner knows this.
He knows that his big moment was not
when they gave him the trophy.
It was the thousand times
he went to practice instead of going back to bed.
It was the miles run on rainy days,
the healthy meals when a burger sounded like heaven.
That big moment represented and rested on a
foundation of moments that had come before it.
I believe that if we cultivate a true attention,
a deep ability to see what has been there all along,
we will find worlds within us and between us,
dreams and stories and memories spilling over.
The nuances and shades and secrets
and intimations of love and friendship and marriage
and parenting are action-packed and multicolored,
if you know where to look.
Today is your big moment. Moments, really.
The life you’ve been waiting for is happening all around you.
The scene unfolding right outside your window
is worth more than the most beautiful painting,
and the crackers and peanut butter that you’re having for lunch
on the coffee table are as profound,
in their own way, as the Last Supper. This is it.
This is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us,
disguised as pedantic, pedestrian non-events.
But pull of the mask and you will find your life,
waiting to be made, chosen, woven, crafted.
Your life, right now, today, is exploding with energy
and power and detail and dimension,
better than the best movie you have ever seen.
You and your family and your friends and
your house and your dinner table
and your garage have all the makings of a life
of epic proportions, a story for the ages.
Because they all are. Every life is.
You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering,
dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding,
a soul worth tending, and beyond that,
the God of the universe dwells within you,
the true culmination of super and natural.
You are more than dust and bones.
You are spirit and power and image of God.
And you have been given Today.”
You are more than dust and bones.
You are spirit and power and image of God.
And you have been given Today.”
~ ShaunaNiequist from the book Cold Tangerines
Bring out the woolies!
Brrrr, icy cold air...it's that time of the year again, actually in NZ it is chilly anyway most of the time. Last year's summer was rainy then came autumn which is more like summer with clear, sunny weather and yesterday- everybody kind of nodded in agreement that winter's arrived. Alas- my darling children have come home from their 3 week holiday in Oz, it's great to have them back, the house is full again but i know Peter's feeling a bit bluey with them gone. I now know how it feels to be alone, it's quite maddening actually.
Right now, I am in the process of writing 2 more essays just to finish this postgrad. I am really so over studying now... after this I think i'll skip a couple of years before even contemplating on taking up another paper. My family needs a break too from my dinner table take-over, Lol...
My tummy's grumbling, need to eat, it says.
Oh- BTW! i forgot to post a pic of my recent project (scream!) - i am proud of this one because i bought this really old sideboard at an op shop for $20, i even thought it's worth less than that but there is lovely detail on it so i thought- hmmm, a good lick of paint would do the trick and i bought it, bought a nice shade of duck egg blue and a couple of $2 paint brushes (yep, i am a bit stingy)...So mum & i painted it in an hour and boy- i am so loving it!!!!!!!!! here's the pic below, wish i'd done a before & after shot but i got too excited and forgot to take a photo in its sorry state....
anyway-
- i thought i'd compile my poems in one space so i started ANTHOLOGY the link's up there too
so have a looksie...
- plus LE MEMOIRE my photo blog, i've been experimenting on my Nikon 5100 and i'm loving it, although the quality of pics seem to decrease in the slides, the actual photos are more crisp and high-quality.
Time & Season
THEN
way back when we were all young! Lol- isha, me cradling ashley and sarah...joshua came four years later.
NOW
On my own- would be the statement of the year for me i guess. Everyone seems to be leaving...and i'm so glum about it, i know you're tired of reading about my ho-hums and such...but there's a twinge of sadness here in my heart because my best friend is leaving for a life in Perth, for good. I'll miss her. I'm so used to knowing she's just around.
Even if we live busy lives and i have almost been eaten up by work + other demands it's comforting to know that she's just a phone call away, in fact, just 5 minutes away from home.
It sucks even more now with family parties,because she won't be there anymore. I can't help feeling a bit blue. She's always been there for me and my family and accepts me for who i am. Now, the only interaction we'll be making is through facebook...at least. sigh...i hate goodbyes, especially if it's farewelling your best mate. I almost couldn't believe that she's going and it sucks. Big time.
Isn't it tragic, i think anyway, that we are only given a measure of time to spend with people we meet in this life, whether they're family or friends? It always seem to be that we live on borrowed time. We develop friendships, good ones, we learn to love but we cannot be with them for long, except for a lucky few maybe.
Even with our children...we raise, nurture and love them but when they grow up we also have to let go. They only stay with us for a time and season. So really, i suppose we have to treasure and make the most of what we have with our loved ones because truly, for the most part we are all like passing ships.
It's for this very reason I dread growing old. I know that sounds absurd but to be left alone with memories of people who have been part of your life and have moved on to me is depressing. On the flip side of the coin, well, maybe i will meet and make new friends again...who knows.
If the Lord tarries and i get to live to my 80's (chuckle...) well, i think i best write a book, maybe about the people i have loved...the friendships, the stories, the adventures, and everything else. It's like re-living your life all over again, however, through the pages of a book.
A proper DSLR, finally!
I'm happily nervous about my new purchase...i just bought my very own entry level DSLR- a Nikon D5100 Twin cam set. Okay, was in a dilemma prior to buying because i just cannot make up my mind between a Canon T3i or this Nikon.... i did my bit in research of course and after 2 whole days of reading and watching reviews online i still ended up clueless. I know both are superb DSLR's but they're both so good and almost the same quality wise.
I noticed there were a lot of Canon users because the interface is user-friendly as oppose to Nikon's one however, i think given that this is my first proper DSLR (after my fuji one w/c is quite mediocre really in comparison...) i will adapt to it quite easily because i'm not switching brands anyway. So, i suppose after the initial difficulties in learning how to drive this camera, i think i'll be okay.
I'm looking at getting into photography seriously so this would give me a chance to play and hone my photography skills and maybe in the future purchase a D700 plus lenses. Maybe, we'll see.
Canon seems to appeal to me to too and i think it is designed to do just that, especially with it's video capabilities. Nikon however is best for photography, so they say. I think i'll know when i actually have it in my hand. BUT i'll pick it up tomorrow from the shop and i cannot wait ^_^ Oh, boy...i'll be over the moon and i'm planning to go on a road trip so i could take nice shots....woot! something to look forward to.
thoughts
I have raised passionate children, i'm afraid as passionate as i am and that is why they pursued their dreams with such bravado. I'm so proud of the person that they are- but i still miss them. I wish they were still little and i could scoop them into my arms and twirl away...
see, i am putting myself in a vulnerable position here, lol..with my heart + soul out on my sleeve again but oh,well, makes us realize that we are only human and most importantly that we allow ourselves to wallow in misery every now & again...to feel, to cry, to sigh. It is good for the soul to know that 'i am human, that i make mistakes, that i can be weak, that i grieve, that i love' and to also know that we are not alone. That we are loved, that we are important. For myself it is the Lord, He is my friend more than anything i would say, that is how we met. He became my friend and it is He who gives me courage and strength in this life. It is humbling. i can never re-pay Him for His goodness, i guess in my own little way of proclaiming Jesus to others through the net would be my small thank you to my Lord.
i believe one day He will gather my family together again in eternity.
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